The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
