I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
