My hand turned me down
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
