i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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