being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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