yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
