FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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