mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
