somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
