just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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