Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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