cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
