He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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