Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
