Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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