dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
