I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
