So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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