1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If that was your dad, he is hot
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
