Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
