Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
