Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
