apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
