Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
