Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
