There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
