I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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