i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
