The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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