You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
