my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize
