roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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