Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You left your phone here
Wait...
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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