Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
