I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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