So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
