I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
