I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
