I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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