Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
