had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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