He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
