Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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