When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
