I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
