Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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