I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
