Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
