I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
