do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
