Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
